Student zone

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Spring Break rushes towards us like a drunken uncle at a family reunion—slowly, clumsily, but with every intention of talking about your sex life. Fortunately for us, everything we have ever heard is actually true! Spring Break 2010! Let's puke!!!

Personally, I could not be more stoked to finally get to go on college Spring Break. I've seen MTV's Spring Break Addition. I know what it is supposed to be like. Someone gives me two thousand dollars and a spray tan, then me and my best bros fly to Florida. When we land, someone gives us our ration cards guaranteeing a fifth of Grey Goose per quarter-day. Then a beautiful off-duty bartender whispers into my ear two magical phrases: the first we say to get five bikini-clad, std-free women to want to play volleyball and the second we need only to think to get them to back in our complementary hotel suite doing their best Girls Gone Wild impressions. College!

Spring Break is next week, and, despite my incessant pokes, messages, and tagged notes, Carson Daly has yet to send me my two grand. I'm pissed. I mean, I'm not asking for any special treatment. I just want what every other guy is getting: a crazy alcohol driven freak fest. Don't worry about the rations, Carson! I can make due on a fifth a day!

Can't say for sure that I'll be wearing this shirt, but otherwise this is me with all my best bros!

Spring Break: Florida, prepare for teaB4GG3Rpoop111 to storm your beaches!

More than anything, it is going to be SICK to meet the friends I get assisgned for the week. I can't wait to see who I get paired with. I wonder if they're going to tell me in advance who my top dawgs are going to be, like roommate decisions. Dudes out there, if you're reading this, pray that MTV randomly pairs us together to be best friends for the week because they don't call me Dickweed for nothin'!!!

All that is left is the big question: did they or did they not receive my description of my perfect woman? If they don't have the girl who I inevitably create a deeper bond with and continue our relationship after the truly epic Spring Break, I WILL FLIP. I've seen the specials. I know what I am entitled to. If she hasn't read "Dune,- "Dune Messiah,- and "Children of Dune- than you have failed, Spring Break. You have failed.

But I'm not worried. Spring Break is as true a tradition as graduation night[1], summer after a first year of college[2], and my best friend's wedding[3]. Worst comes to worst, I can make some money off of the scumbags who cheated me out of Spring Break. If I don't get my tickets, spray tan, girls, etc., I'll sue! I know my rights. I, as a young, male College student, am entitled to everything I've ever heard about Spring Break. It's in the Constitution somewhere.

Spring Break 2010: Florida! Because it is all true!

[1] Source: "American Pie-

[2] Source: "American Pie 2-

[3] Source: "American Wedding-

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• First rule of Myspace is, no one talks about Myspace. Ever. Unless the conversation goes:

      "Hey, do you remember Myspace?"

      "No."

• If it's one of your Facebook friends' birthday, and you don't write happy birthday on their wall, then there is no point in continuing to be friends with them.

• "Maybe Attending" is the new "Not Attending".

• At least half of the pages you are a fan off should be ironic and/or male chauvinism.

• It is your responsibility as their Facebook friend to tag them in any photo they appear in, no matter how far in the distance they are or how big a part of their body is shown - unless they look decent. Then the aforementioned responsibility forfeits.

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Hardass Dad

If you think straight A's, varsity athletics, and charity work are going to impress this Dad, you better shut the f*@# up and not speak unless spoken to. Party tonight? Sure, but get your ass home by 2100 or you're shining each pair of his combat boots twice. Conversations with Hardass Dad are almost always 80% threat, 15% pep talk, and 5% bulging forehead vein. No matter what you're talking about, he'll find a way to make you revert back to a sputtering 13 year-old. Also, if you were thinking about inviting a few friends over on Saturday, don't. He thinks that Josh punk is bad news and don't even get him started on Chris, that long-haired, pansy, pinko.

Business Dad

You can track Business Dad's mood based on the ups and downs of the stock market--and he's been pretty pissy for the last two years. You'll always cherish those times when it was just you and him (and his two blackberries, Palm Pilot, iPhone, and pager). You haven't seen him at dinner since you were three, but remember all those times he ALMOST made it to your [insert significant life event]? The bright side is that Business Dad has a pretty low embarrassing factor…well, until he gets arrested for embezzling millions. But hey, that sure was a nice Range Rover you got for your Sweet Sixteen (before it was repossessed in the middle of your first date, of course).

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Earlier this year, many Toyota owners discovered a minor glitch with their automobiles: turns out the cars regarded driver input as secondary to their love of accelerating and the delicious sound of human screams. No big deal, unless you own a Toyota, or know a Toyota owner, or live on the ground floor of your home where the Toyotas can get to you.

Now Toyota's marketing department is struggling to put a positive spin on the incident. Here are five ads from their latest campaigns:

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Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me at dating.itscomplicated[at]gmail.com!

-Anonymous

While helping my girlfriend get prepared for her summer semester abroad, I convinced her that she will need to get a new watch because Europe is on "metric time".  I said they have 100 hours instead of 24 hours in a day. She says, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that".  Good luck finding your new watch!
-Dan, ND State

So me and my (ex) girlfriend went to Texas (my old home town) to stay for about 3-4 days. And onmy step fathers land he had a single wide trailer for us to use while he stayed in his newly built house. Well one morning after waking up me and my GF decide to start at it again. In the middle of sex she asks me to moan for her. I don’t really do that, but I didn’t care so I did so and probably sounded like a girl doing it because I was faking it. So we get done and I start heading to the shower and outside in the living room (near bedroom door) is my step dad on the couch just laughing saying "well son it sounds like you had fun". Now he probably thinks I sound like a girl having sex.

-E-Brake, Army (deployed currently)

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Mario: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: Quite a few, actually. First off, you're speeding.

Mario: I'm trying to win a race.

Cop: Illegal street racing on the wrong side of the highway?

Mario: Well when you put it like that...

Cop: And littering. That banana peel you threw back there caused an accident.

Mario: Yeah, about the banana. Wario was all up in my sh*t so I had to send him packing.

Cop: I'll also have to write you up for endangering a child.

Mario: Oh, because I've got Baby Luigi with me? He's fine. Not a bad racer himself.

Cop: You...you let the baby drive for you?

Mario: It's not a big deal. If he careens off a cliff, that flying turtle guy will pull us out with his fishing pole.

Cop: ...Did you take any drugs before you started driving today, sir?

Mario: No, but I picked up some mushrooms while I was driving today.

Cop: Sir, step out of the car.

Mario: Listen, officer. Maybe we can work something out. How about a hundred gold coins?

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Fairy tales aren't as wholesome as they seem. Roll over the images to see what these stories should really be called...

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Each year, it blows my mind that the entertainment industry puts so much stock in a silly awards show. Sure, there are talented actors, writers, and directors out there who deserve a pat on the back. But there are also talented teachers, nurses, doctors in third world countries, and volunteers who get no pat on the back. I love watching movies, but do we really need to see the people who worked on them wear $5,000 dresses and thank their agents? I want to see those people play make believe in movies. That’s why I like them…because their job is to entertain us.

And these silly awards always come in the middle of pilot season, a three month period in which I’m lucky enough to read most of the pilot scripts that networks are pouring millions of dollars into. And I don’t know what bothers me more: the fact that many of these scripts have been put through so many filters that they are terrible – or the fact that the good ones never get picked up, or –worse – are poorly cast.

It’s enough to make someone like me lose all faith in this industry. What’s the point of it all?

And then, on Tuesday night, I turn on my TV and the one good drama left in this wretched world comforts me yet again. And I remember what entertainment really is. That’s right: it’s time for LOST, motherf*ckers!

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I think China's trying to send us a message...

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Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I work at a hotel setting up banquet rooms for special events. All the banquet rooms are named after area sports teams, so one of the rooms is called "Huskies." We we setting up Huskies room for a special event one night and had everything set when the event organizer came in and demanded that we set up their event in a different room. Turns out the event was for a Weight Watchers group and they were offended that they were in the Huskies room, so we had to do all our work over again in a different room.
-Chris

My story was posted on your website.  My boss saw it.  I was fired.
-Anonymous

A few years ago I worked at a gas station that shared a dumpster with a restaurant. A long time customer drives in, gets gas, chats with the owner then leaves. About two hours later, she calls and says that she threw her wallet away and that we should fish it out of the trash can. Only thing is the trash was emptied into the dumpster at this point. The owner tells me to go into the dumpster for his friends wallet. I spent an hour knee deep in rotting meat and vegetables from the restaurant only to have my boss tell me that the customer called and found her wallet in her coat pocket. I still had an hour to work and I couldn’t clean up or go home early.
-Anonymous

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Let me tell you about our crew. We work 14-hour days. We haul equipment up six flights of stairs. We argue with location owners to let us keep shooting. We argue with each other and make up within a two-minute span. We race around town for forgotten art. We make pressured actors feel comfortable. We make background actors feel worthwhile. We have no sick days. Our vacation time is usually unanimous or not at all. We are masters of the tight rope walk between artistic vision and compromise.

Every time I reach the end of a shoot week, I want to cry. It’s something in between exhaustion and raw appreciation for the people that I work with. -Sam Reich

Still interested? Here's what we want from a Production Intern:

    * Previous production experience
    * Enrolled in a related major or coursework
    * Extremely reliable and great work ethic
    * Ability to receive college credit
    * Willingness to learn and work with a team
    * Residence in, or within commuting distance of NYC (Manhattan)
    * Coolness

Here's what you'll get to do:

    * Be involved in the pre-production and production of all videos
    * Help out in the office and on set
    * Be a crucial part of a small team where every member counts
    * Everything from scouting locations to finding a last-minute Philosoraptor mask.

Want in? All you need to do is send a polite cover letter and resume to chtvinterns@gmail.com.

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Math Department Math

1000 + 1000 = 2000

Psychology Department Math

100 minutes > 60 minutes, sorry, we'll have to continue this next week.

Accounting Department Math

$1000 = $725 after taxes.

Accounting Department Honors Program Math

$1000 = $1275 after taxes.

Economics Department Math

1000 + 1000 = 1650, adjusting for diminishing marginal utility, but assume 2000.

English Department Math

2000 words = 4 pages.

+Double Spacing = 8 pages.

+Offset block quotes = 9 pages.

+Courier New = Required 10 page minimum.

Philosophy Department Math

1000 = Distance to the door.

500 = Half the distance.

250 = Half that.

125 = Half that.

62.5 = Half that, etc, ad infinitium, you can never reach the door, but I see all of you leaving, and thus we know that our entire experitial existence is mere illusion.  QED.  See you next week, please don't drop the class, it's an easy A.

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